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Lived experiences of affected others: Qualitative research
Lived experiences of affected others: Qualitative research
The journey from awareness to harm
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Affected others do not experience harm as any single event. For most participants, it was something that developed gradually, shaped by the gambling behaviour of the person gambling, the nature of their relationship, and the point at which the affected other first recognised that something was wrong. Understanding this journey is essential context for everything that follows in this section.
The accounts shared across this research followed a broadly recognisable arc, moving through 4 overlapping stages:
An early period marked by a lack of awareness that gambling was taking place, or being aware but largely unconcerned (whether due to lack of observable adverse consequences, or gambling being a familiar activity for the affected other due to personal experiences or upbringing).
A period of escalation in gambling behaviours wherein concerns begin to emerge.
A crisis point, whether financial, relational, or emotional.
A recovery phase where the person gambling changes their behaviour, or a chronic phase where the affected other accepts that the person gambling will continue (and may or may not continue to play a role in the person gambling’s life).
These observed stages were not linear. Many participants described cycling between periods of relative stability punctuated by relapse or new crises.
Crucially, affected others’ awareness of harm frequently lagged behind the person gambling’s behaviour. By the time an affected other recognised what was happening, harm had often already accumulated in ways that were difficult or impossible to undo. This lag has implications for how and when intervention is possible and is explored further in the companion report, which will be published in the coming months.
It is important to note that the journey described here is not the person gambling’s journey into and through gambling; it is the journey of gambling’s role in the relationship between the affected other and the person gambling. For some participants, gambling had always been present, for example a partner who already gambled when they met, or a parent who gambled throughout the affected other’s childhood. For others, gambling entered an existing relationship at a later point, for example, a partner, sibling, or friend who took it up years into their relationship. What the following 4 stages describe is how that dynamic evolved over time, from the affected other’s perspective, regardless of when the gambling itself began.
1: Early stage
For most participants, the early period was characterised by not knowing. Some had no awareness that the person they were close to was gambling at all; others knew about gambling but did not yet understand its scale, frequency, or financial cost. In some cases, gambling had been part of the relationship or family dynamic from the start, making it harder to identify a moment when it became harmful.
Several participants described an uncomfortable awareness that something was off in the background, alongside a reluctance to name it, either to protect the relationship or because they lacked the language to describe what they were seeing. Where the person gambling had moved from in-person to online or app-based gambling, this early period was harder to navigate still. Where land-based gambling was visible, necessitating trips out, cash withdrawn, and time away, mobile gambling was invisible, happening in shared spaces, at any time, and could look identical to normal phone use.
"She said it was just a game from the App Store - obviously it wasn't. It was all very, very secretive."
- Male gambler, 33, former partner of person gambling
2: Escalation
For most participants, a period of escalation preceded any formal crisis. Gambling became more frequent or more financially significant, debts began to accumulate, and the person gambling's behaviour shifted, becoming more secretive, sometimes more defensive when challenged, and more preoccupied. Affected others described gradually taking on more financial management and emotional labour and becoming more vigilant.
Some participants described escalation as a slow creep, stretching over years. Others described a faster trajectory, accelerated by a life event (such as a redundancy, bereavement, or mental health deterioration) that seemed to tip acceptable or at least manageable gambling into something more serious.
When Fiona's partner was made redundant, his gambling escalated quickly and his anxiety consumed him.
"I could almost feel the pulsating energy coming off him. It used to absorb me."
Heavily pregnant, she took control of his redundancy payout to protect it. But the constant requests for it back caused arguments, and within 3 months it was all gone.
"I just thought, this will be the rest of my life. I will never know that he'll be honest with me."
With a newborn and no financial safety net, leaving didn't feel like a real option. The debt, the dependency, and the emotional strain had become inseparable.
- Female non-gambler, 36, former partner of person gambling
Particularly in the case of partners (and other affected others in close financial relationships with the person gambling), escalation often only became visible at the point of a financial shock, like an unexpected debt. By then, the harm had been building for some time.
3: Crisis
Crisis took different forms across the sample but was almost always a point of revelation, constituting the moment at which the scale of gambling, debt, or associated harm became undeniable. For some participants this was a single event, taking the form of a confession, or contact from someone the person gambling owed money to. For others, it was a gradual accumulation of evidence that could no longer be explained away.
The crisis point frequently triggered an immediate and intense practical response. Participants described taking control of finances, contacting support services on the person gambling’s behalf, managing lenders, and trying to stabilise the situation, all often while absorbing their own emotional shock. This was the phase at which affected others were most likely to encounter formal tools and support services, typically through reactive searching rather than planned intervention.
For a small number of participants, crisis escalated into situations involving personal safety.
Lucy, a mother of 4, spent years believing her son's debts were linked to drug use rather than gambling, stepping in financially each time he came to her. As the debts grew, she found herself paying lenders connected to criminal networks, sometimes under direct threat, with people arriving at her home demanding repayment while she tried to shield her husband and other children from what was happening.
"It was either I pay or he's dead, one of the two. So, I pay. I kept pleading with him, why can't you just stop?"
Only when her son reached breaking point and entered rehab did Lucy begin to understand the full scale of what had been driving the crises, and how long she had been living in survival mode.
- Female gambler, 59, mother of person gambling
4: Chronic and/or recovery
Crisis was not the endpoint for most participants. What followed was a prolonged period (often ongoing at the time of interview) that did not fit neatly into either active crisis or recovery. For some, this meant managing the aftermath of a crisis that had technically passed: repaying debts, rebuilding trust, and managing the fear of relapse. For others, it meant continuing to live alongside gambling behaviour that had not stopped, in a state of chronic low-level harm that was less acute than crisis but no less significant.
This chronic phase was among the least visible in existing evidence. It does not register as a crisis requiring intervention, and can go unrecognised and unsupported. Participants described a sustained emotional vigilance (monitoring the person gambling’s behaviour, watching their bank accounts, bracing for the next episode) that persisted long after gambling had reduced or stopped.
Usman’s story is a clear example of this. His father has gambled for 30 years. Usman has tried talking to him, but nothing changes. His father sees the betting shop as a social outlet, somewhere to meet people, and does not believe he has a problem.
"He doesn't listen to me. I can't really do anything about it. It's been like 30 years doing it, what do you do? You learn to live with it."
For Usman, there is no crisis point on the horizon, no moment of recognition to wait for. Usman described his social shame as having diminished over time, though still present. Meanwhile, he lives on a tight budget so he can save money for his mother, in case his father’s gambling uses up money needed for essentials.
- Male non-gambler, 30, son of person gambling
Last updated: 25 June 2026
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